


which of the blessings will you deny

by artsycat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Introspection, tw: mentions of depression self harm and suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 01:02:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13224924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsycat/pseuds/artsycat
Summary: To let love grow, you must let go.





	which of the blessings will you deny

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by jungianca6
> 
> I *tried* to make this as eremika induced as I possibly could, but unfortunately this turned out to be more of a mikasa introspective during the nine month timeskip. There is eremika though, more so in the end, so hopefully that makes up for it lol. Also, I’d just like to thank @rogmes for being amazing and editing this fic up for me. I know you said there was no need, but I’d like to thank you for amazingly kind words of encouragement. Thank you so much!

It’s quiet; it always is. Sometimes, Mikasa can hear the barest whispers of the wind that clash in the darkness of the night. It haunts her in her sleep, and she wakes up with the curtains drawn and something horrible and dark reaching for her and she can’t scream.

And then she wakes up again.

It’s a quiet Mikasa knows too well. It’s the quiet that she felt when she heard the first squelch made when a knife was rammed into her father’s body; the sudden crack of her mother’s head as it lands to the ground.

It’s the quiet she felt when she heard through Armin’s soft, shaky whisper that Eren was dead.

People are wary of her now, careful not to step on her toes—even Sasha, with her untimely bouts of loudness, is solemn around her. She’s wary of everyone now too. Armin tries to pry out the problem from her, but she will not allow him to do so for this is something she will take down to the grave with her. Her monster comes in the bright red of blood and death and she will slay it herself. She is not weak; she is strong. She does not need anyone’s help, least of all the people she cares about. She will not drag them down with her when they still have enemies to slay.

So she draws away from everyone and her hope for seeing the ocean diminishes. All she remembers are Hanji’s words, that yes, there are so many people to bring back. But Mikasa wishes—with all her might, hoping against hope, that through some miracle, she could bring back her parents.

Their image fades away from her mind, and each day Mikasa yearns for them more and more. Her father’s touch, her mother’s kiss—a distant memory. A dream.

It’s a wonder what brought this on. Perhaps the revelation that Eren and Armin have only a few years left to live, or perhaps the realization that there is an entire civilization outside who have left innocent people to rot in walls and die like cattle. It doesn’t matter; both make her sick to her very core.

She doesn’t sleep anymore. In her dreams, an inhuman hand reaches out and claws out the throats of her loved ones and her heart speeds up and hammers until she reaches out and pulls it away from her body and then and only then, does that thing stop.

She can count her ribs through the thick cloth of her shirt. Food has become scarce and she’d rather Eren or Armin have her share instead, lest it go to waste. On good days, she’ll share it with Sasha who spares a smile filled with pity at her.

The gesture—no matter how warm—makes Mikasa grow hard and cold on the inside.

The taunts then come from Levi—it’s to be expected. The man’s temper is as short as his stature but it doesn’t hurt Mikasa in any way. Jibes, pushing, she bears it all—even if it is through gritted teeth. She doesn’t blame him. Her performance during training and on the battlefield have become poor, and Levi says something along the lines of,  _it’s like you want to be killed_ , and Mikasa realizes this with a newfound revelation that, he’s right.

Yes, Mikasa wants to die. She wants to dig up a hole and bury herself alive in there, wait as release comes in the form of light taking away her soul. Perhaps God would take pity on her and take her back to see her parents, Mr and Mrs. Jaeger, Hannes, Armin’s grandfather, Mina Carolina, Marco, Commander Smith, even Bertholdt as stupid as he was. There are so many, so many people that Mikasa wants to see, to bring back.

But this is life. Its reality is grounded in pessimism and death and the things that Mikasa wishes to only exist in tales. She is a girl looking for a myth in a world surrounded by facts. But death; it is the only certain uncertainty in life. Perhaps the magic she wishes to find will be there. Perhaps then, will the dead eyes of the people she has left behind will cease to follow her.

One day, Eren gets injured and Mikasa stops. Her breath halts and afterwards, she locks herself in a room, scratching and clawing at herself until lines of red appear on her arms, neck and legs. Yes, pain: pain is so good. She is alive and she will stay alive until Eren is dead. The pain makes her go hazy, however, and suddenly she sees Mrs. Jaeger putting out the clothes to dry. Mikasa’s hands are still so small so she can’t reach the wire all too well, but Mrs. Jaeger helps her, carrying Mikasa in her arms until she clips the cloth, and Mrs. Jaeger shuffles her hand in Mikasa’s hair, smiling at her as if she’s proud.

It’s the happiest Mikasa has felt in years.

One day, Armin says: “stop this.”

“Stop what?”

“Whatever you’re doing. We’re worried about you.” He pushes the door as Mikasa tries her best to close it—she cannot deal with this right now. Bubbles of blood are running from her thigh and her arms from the line she has made with her sword, and she’s about to see something again.

“I’m not doing anything. If anything, I’m… giving myself remedies.”

A deep breath, and Armin forces the door open with all his might. It’s useless though, even in this state, Mikasa still has her strength and she will not allow anyone to overcome her.

“You’ve been spending too much time in this room. Sasha told us that during the communal showers she saw scars on your body. Freshly cut. We haven’t been out for an expedition in days. Mikasa, I just want to know what you’re doing to yourself.” Another shove. “I’m family—don’t I deserve an explanation at least?”

“I’m doing nothing. I’m getting better. I know you’re worried Armin, but this isn’t something you should concern yourself with.” Mikasa then slams the door which echoes with a loud thud, and the situation hits her so suddenly that she collapses.

She doesn’t know how long the darkness overtakes her. There are no hands out to grab her, no tearing of throats of the one she cares about. It’s empty. Quiet. Grey.

When she comes to, it is the colour green that stares back at her, a stark contrast to the grey Mikasa saw which makes her blink herself into focus until the green that stares at her are the eyes of Eren.

He cuts the silence first, his voice quick and sharp as he speaks.

“Everyone told me not to be angry.”

And it takes Mikasa seconds to bring his face fully into focus. “ _Don’t say anything Eren, you’ll make it worse_.”

“But they’re wrong”, he says, “I will be angry, and you will hear everything I say. You-” His face contorts into something that Mikasa can only describe as rage. Then—nothing. His face wears down and he looks so much older than he is.

And then, finally: “How could you do this to me?”

Mikasa breaks down first. Her tears come streaming in silent sobs and she clutches at her heart and tries to tear away the bandages that cover her arms. She wants out, she doesn’t want this. Eren stops her, holding her arms in his own and he’s yelling at her— something, he says something, but Mikasa doesn’t know what, and then the yelling quiets down, and she stops struggling and slowly, so slowly, she is in his arms. It’s the smallest she has ever felt, and Eren rocks her gently; swaying her back and forth, murmuring soft whispers in her ears. Like a child being lulled to sleep by their mother, Mikasa’s eyes close, and Eren leaves soft, gentle kisses on her ear and cheek until the darkness overtakes her once more.

She awakes again, and it is Eren’s eyes that greet her.

She is overcome with shame and emotion as the magnitude of what she has done hits her. She avoids looking at him, but he sits on the bed, and pushes her face towards him, his hands never leaving her skin.

“You, are the bravest person I have ever known. You are the only person that I know. But you were hurting and I was blind enough not to see it. Armin kept telling me that something was going on with you, but I ignored him because I thought, ‘Mikasa is so strong, so brave, no fear could ever overtake her.’ I think I was too caught up in my own world to even care to peek into yours.”

“You shouldn’t worry about me.” She tries to shake away his hand from her face.“My… struggles are nothing compared to humanity’s. I’ll get through this. Like you said, I’m strong.”

“You are, but I wonder about…,” his hand trails from her cheek to her chest, resting upon the skin that covers her heart. “How strong you are here.”

It’s silent, and the rising sun shines over the two of them and Eren’s eyes are an even brighter green. He looks at her with something like compassion and she’s overcome. She wants to be held in his arms until there is nothing left but the thrum of his heart.

And he says this: “You need to let love grow inside you, Mikasa. Let the love grow, you need to take care of yourself.”

She wonders when this boy, the one she always feared for, has become so wise. He has become so tall; his back broad and wide as his boyishness fades into manhood. She spends a moment, admiring him, and Mikasa thinks that were she a poet, she would write about his beauty for days.

He is so much more than what he gives himself credit for. So much more than just his strength and prowess. He is Eren, Eren who wears his heart on his sleeve and fights for what he believes in.

What’s your secret Eren, Mikasa thinks. What keeps you going, even after all of this death?

“Where would I find such love?” She says, and Eren gives the ghost of a smile.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you find it.”

And it’s the end of that. Days later, when they find the ocean and Mikasa heart is full of hope, Eren takes her hand in his and they waddle through the sea.

The ocean is a sight to behold, and all the struggles make it worth to see it. Her face is red with love and warmth and her scarf flows with the ocean breeze. The waves crash loudly and life is large, so large.

She heals; slowly, but it’s sure every time. She makes sure to smile often, and she eats her food with others. She believes in her strength, but most of all, she believes in the strength of her friends. Yes, life is so very cruel.

But there is so much beauty to be found. Perhaps mysteries like the ocean will come again in her life.


End file.
